Words Matter

I've been there. In the darkest spaces. I wouldn't be here today had an invisible barrier not kept me from my end. That's a much longer story (I'll share if you ask).

In 2018, all I could see were ways to exit. It was overwhelming. This was a familiar feeling that I first voiced when I was in the 3rd grade.

As always, everyone I loved stepped up (I know that not everyone has this beautiful blessing). My family, friends, and followers made sure to tell me that I mattered.

But I couldn't see it.

I didn't think I mattered, no matter how much they told me that I did.

And I love them dearly and didn't want to let them down...

But all I could see were all the ways that I HAD let them down.

It took a whole lot of tools, and more pain, before I could see it.

Before I realized that I matter.
Before I no longer saw the ways
to exit
EVERYWHERE,
EVERY
F*CKING
DAY.

I couldn't escape that feeling that everyone would be better off without me...
until, I finally did.

❤️‍🔥Part of it was having someone that I thought I loved telling me that I did not matter.

❤️‍🔥Part of it was learning about suicidality and knowing it is a genetic trait that is more common than we know.

❤️‍🔥Part of it was knowing that THAT genetic trait was only a part of who I am.

❤️‍🔥Part of it was doing all the deep work and realizing that my darkness is what makes my light shine so bright.

I made it to the other side of wanting
to no longer exist.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜It is possible.

And it's beautiful once you realize that THAT darkness is just a piece of you and you do not have to let it be the definition of you.

If you're struggling, PLEASE reach out to someone... anyone... because I know how beautiful life can be when you focus on that sunrise.

🔥🔥🔥Call OR Text 988🔥🔥🔥
HELP IS AVAILABLE.
AND YOU F*CKING DESERVE IT!
(Sorry Grandma -RIP,
sometimes the f-word is necessary...
My grandma died of old age btw. She was not a victim of this awful genetic trait.)
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

It is beautiful on the other side of the darkness!

The sun will always rise!

48 years... more real talk so someone out there knows they're not alone and it does get better if you just keep going.

But first...

I have to thank all the people I love (family, friends and ... you know who you are), my new friends and my coworkers for making me feel special today.

I woke up to the sweetest gift from someone I love dearly and messages from many of you. I found a gift in the mailbox from that someone 😘 and a card from my momma. Got THE BEST birthday voicemail from my mom (hilarious). Then flowers at my door from my baby girl and her hubby when I got to the shop. Big hugs and happy birthdays from coworkers. DELICIOUS cookies and a sweet card from one of my favorite people (thank you Michael), more flowers from two of my favorites (thank you LaDonna and Gary for always making me feel special when I need it most), tons of messages, almost the entire kitchen and crew of The Cooking Show singing me happy birthday and giving me a candle in a piece of Key Lime Pie (thank you again Michael)... tons more messages and hugs.
Thank you all for making me feel so loved!

Looking back, it is wild that I would've missed it all if I hadn't decided to keep going. At least a dozen or so times in the last 40 or so years I had a plan to exit (a handful of times I was close to going through with it).

I honestly was not expecting to make it this long so each day is a gift. I started battling my own mind in elementary school. The first time I voiced that I thought everyone would be better off without me, I was in the 3rd grade.

It is easy to focus on what's missing. On what I did wrong. On how worthless and unwanted I was. That's where my mind went for a long as I can remember (not every day was a struggle to keep going but far too many were).

Three times in the last 5 years the voice convincing me I didn't matter blasted my consciousness. All because of hurtful words from someone who claimed to love me.

The last time I sat contemplating and blaming myself for someone else's actions was July of 2024...
but then, that night,
I realized that the thoughts that were attempting to destroy me were not my own....❤️‍🔥
Continued in comments❤️